Today I went to counseling and told Bert the big (B&B) news! I shared with him what this opportunity has meant to me so far and I want to share it here as well:
After my brother died, I was initially heartbroken, but optimistic. I clung to the people I loved and clung to Jesus and the Bible for comfort. Maybe I was just in shock. Or denial. Nevertheless, I think I really believed that everything would be okay. A couple months later anger and bitterness tried make it's home in my heart and I let it in, quickly giving up the fight. Since then, I've experienced depravity, depression, and despair on a level I never thought possible for "someone like myself" (whatever that means). I've literally cursed the God I once claimed to love and belong to. (I'm talking like one-sided, screaming, two-year-old tantrums, here.) I've slammed the door of my soul shut in God's face and turned my back on him countless times as I've tried to make sense of the raw pain that has entered my life. Bottom line, losing my brother has proven that I don't have the integrity I thought I did when it comes to my faith in Jesus. I've failed to maintain trust in God. And it has undoubtedly affected the way I perceive and interact with the world around me.
While this remains true, Bike and Build has become a symbol of hope for me. It has given me a renewed sense of purpose, something to look forward. I'm being given the chance to turn something so terrible as Harrison's death into something that is productive and positive. And for that, I am thankful. (Yes, thankful to God.)
Here are lyrics from a song I listened to on my ride last Friday. It sincerely encourages me and you might find it does the same for you if you're in a rough spot. It's called "Anchor" by Beautiful Eulogy. I suggest listening to the entire Satellite Kite album. (It will blow your mind!) Also, their new CD called Instruments of Mercy can be downloaded for free on Noise Trade.
"When it’s a quarter past midnight
And the grey skies fade to black
The waves splash and set me off track
So my vessel might crash or collapse, when I’m attacked
And start wrestling in my head with these bad memories from my past
I’m aware of my guilt
Overwhelmed and the smell of my blood
Has the sharks that surround me cast under a spell
They waited for me to fall
But when I fell the water got still
And the blood that was spilled protects
It’s the same blood that cleansed me
My only defense against my nemesis
Now I can rest knowing nothing can come against me unless the Father gives consent
Evil intentions will not disturb God’s purposes or interfere so
Whom should I fear if my Anchor is secure?
Learning to consider it pure joy when I’m facing tribulations
Praising God instead of complaining and getting overtaken with bitterness
Looking at the pages of the book of James
And seeing the ways that God works through the trials to make us more mature in our faith
It reminds me how desperate I am in this desert land
Thirsty for your mercy and plan while you give me the strength to stand
You’re my greatest pleasure
Yeah, no matter the weather I face
Lord you never forsake
My fragile life is safe under your sovereign grace
Anchor of my soul, you sustain
When I’m in the storm, you remain
You remain, good to me
Good to me
Oh, Lord
You’re good to me, you’re good to me
Good to me
At some point every human looks right in the eyes of agony
And through tragedy asks himself, ”How can this happen to me?”
You might be the type with enough insight to hold on to your dear life
But slip because your grip is not as tight as you might like
You ain’t immune to it, naw
And if you’re true to yourself then you ain’t new to it
Trusted in self, lusted and lured to it
So when the darkness overwhelms me
And the tide of life rises and swells
“It is well” is what compels me
When faced with adversity, Your truth constantly reminds me that you command the seas with ease
And with words you turn the wind to breeze
It helps me understand that we stand on solid rock not on sinking sand
Through the providence of pain you perfect your plan
Predestined to be tested when the works
And words of God cooperate and educate men in the great gift of Grace and Faith
And even though it’s obvious when my outlook’s ominous
You’ve bound my heart and my conscience and gave me a constant calmness
So when the pain comes like rain from the parts of life that maintains its strain
I can put my trust in the hands that sustain
It’s profound that with all these sinking ships around me
He surrounds me and he anchors me with his grace abounding
Anchor of my soul, you sustain
When I’m in the storm, you remain
You remain, good to me
Good to me
Oh, Lord
You’re good to me, you’re good to me
Good to me"
If you want to listen to "Anchor":
Click this Link!
Lastly, a quote from one of my favorite movies, which also happens to be the title of this post:
"Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."
- Steven Rogers
