And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace.
When you love someone, but it goes to waste.
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you...
-"Fix You" by Coldplay
Those lyrics basically sum up my day today. I've cried...a lot. With my coworkers, by myself, with strangers and best friends. In public, at work, and in the privacy of my own home/car. The silent type when tears slip out effortlessly as you try to choke them back and the I'm-crying-so-hard-I'm-going-to-throw-up-I'm-sorry-I-got-snot-on-your-jeans type.
I woke up today knowing that I would be attending my first GriefShare meeting. (GriefShare is analogous to AA but for people who have lost loved ones; its 13 week curriculum is composed of video sessions, group discussions, and daily "homework" activities all focused on different aspects of the grieving process.) Needless to say, I woke up expecting a difficult day.
While I was at work, I got a text message from my Mom telling me to check Facebook. When I did so, I found that I had been invited to an event called A Ride to Remember! In Memory of Harrison Greenway. I read the event info and discovered that Harrison's best friend's family is putting together a memorial motorcycle ride on February 22, 2014 (the Saturday closest to his one year death anniversary). All of his friends, as well as anyone else who wants to participate, are planning to ride through town, stopping by the site of the wreck.
But here's the kicker: the Watkins' are asking that everyone pay $20 in order to participate in the ride. For me. To donate to my Bike & Build fund so that my own memorial ride can become a reality too.
I lost it. Right there in the middle of work. And I have been losing it ever since every time I think about it. I hate that such an outpouring of love and support must come only as a result of such horrible life circumstances. HATE it. But I am moved beyond words by the outpouring itself. Thank you to the Watkins family for honoring my brother and myself in such a way. And thank you in advance to everyone who will be participating in the ride.
In GriefShare tonight, we were told that grief is the recognition that you've lost someone you love. That if there were no love there would be no grief. If that's true, then I loved my brother a whole lot, because losing him has been more painful than I could've ever imagined. There is no "fixing" what has happened. No way to make my broken heart forget. But maybe...just maybe...there are degrees of healing and redemption in the midst of the pain.
